Simply Peg's Place

L 'ame de la vie... 'The beautiful soul of life'

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Silent night....

The night is still...peaceful and perfect. Its cooled off so much compared to the heat of the summer day. I pull on my mom's deap burgundy hoodie. She got it last fall as she went on her trip to see one son, Ben in Texas and his family. Then Eric on the coast in California, And finally Sam and his wife Sarah in Oregon. Was that only Last November ?



 I step into the night air on the back deck... cup... of coffee in hand. it's 3:a.m. and sleeping beauty is finally at rest. Earlier in the day, going to the commode became to much for her. Hospice came over and put her on a catheter, she warned us the time was growing close. Somehow that catheter came out. hospice came again, and redid the catheter. Isle went to get a full nights sleep. Monique was also going to sleep soon. I had the first shift of the night shift.




We hear a cry out, and rush to our mom's bedroom... Me, Monique followed by Isle who also jumped out of bed. Her bed was empty!!! Shock cannot accurately describe the moment. Monique and Isle turn..automatically to check the bathroom. And I see her..3 feet away from the hospital bed..in the corner. Trying to get to the commode. She has no memory of how she got there... Hospice comes again. catheter not working for her...we decide against it. as hospice leaves... she once again warns us...the time is growing close. We give her a pill for anxiety. everyone goes to bed...and I sit and wait.

 The restlessness and sudden movements. are due to the nervouse system beginning to shut down, due to lack of oxygen.The cloudy Urin is due to the kiddneys shouting down due to lack of oxygen. The shaking, the parts of her that are so warm and kinda clamy, the skin on her face going to a whitish sheen..all signs the end is closing in.



The night air feels good...awakening me. I take two gulps of coffee and go back to her bedside. She is still now. the ceiling fan gives of a steady hummm and I put her hand in mine. I study her features her face and find her still beautiful...thin and gaunt due to the cancer, but no wrinkles and no blemishes...still young... I trace my other hand up her arm and I start humming.. I hum every church hym I can remember and that leads me to humming all the Christmas songs... One after another I hum. I hold sleeping beauties hand, soak her in and hum.

 A peacefulness like a soft blanket cloaks the room. I hum the tune to silent night;  
Silent night!  Holy night! All is calm all is bright Round yon virgin mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace! sleep in heavenly peace..................................



I glance at the clock..it's 5:a.m and I wake my sister for her turn. I climb into bed.... praying sleeping beauty sleeps..until awakend by the purest form of love there is... Our Heavenly Fathers.... I close my eye's with thousands emotions running thru my mind...and in exhaustion...I sleep...last night..we had Christmas in july...

Sunday, July 14, 2013

The Churning beat...

A rose from my mom's garden....

the churning beat goes on....its the beat of our hearts...waiting, not knowing...yet knowing...soon.....soon the beat of one heart will be gone...it will be the beat of a mothers heart, the soul of the family, the one who gave birth to us, the one who tired her best, the one who danced before a big window as the trains pulled into the station as a young girl, because she was lonely and a only chil...
d. the one who was not afraid to leave all she new behind for a land called Australia, (and back then telegrams were the cheapest way of communication and later she did it again..and came to America) the one who sat with us after dinner with a orange peal in her mouth...cut to look like teeth..along with the rest of us...as she told stories about her life, the mom who laughed at herself..and with others 24/7. the mom, that with her accent was never understood in a fast food drivethru, and that only made us laugh so hard we couldn't speak...or the fact, due to that, she got so nervouse one day she gave her order to a brick wall..and I was laughing to hard to speak..and as she kept repeating herself..I was out of breath...trying to tell her that was a real wall! the churning beat goes on...and on...and on...and on...and even when the beat of this mothers heart stops.....it will never stop completely..for she beats in our hearts always...till the day we also journey home..and yet right now... my heart beats a churning beat...a endless churning beat....and I want to keep her.....
I love you more mom.....

Thursday, July 11, 2013

The silence...in me....

I have not been blogging...But I have been visiting all your blogs, yet I stay silent..

there is a reason for that. Remember this beautiful woman....?

My mom! (pic taken 1 year and 3 months ago on her 70th birthday) well she turned 71 this past April.

 I felt strongly I needed to go home and see her.... and the rest has become a whirlwind, I don't think

 anyone can be prepared for!..... I posted on my blog about her being diagnosed with pancreatic

cancer on June 21 2011. And we were gifted with finding out she had the slower growing tumor's

 called the neoendocrin tumor's....we were gifted 2 years....and it doesn't seem long enough. For our

mom  is at home with us and with a hospice team guiding us...we are down to days and moments....

  This pic was also on my mom's 70th birthday...all 6 of her children wrote there wish for her on a ballon...and then she wrote her own... however the day turned out windy...and when it came time to release the ballons...they were all tangled together...my mom laughed and smiled and simply said.... "that was my wish, that no matter what, you 6 would stick together"..these ballons flew higher then any ballons I ever saw..lifted up because they were joined together...clear across the bitterroot moutain range.....


I wrote this one day...maybe 4 weeks ago...life has become a fog...as our mother is literally losing her battle with Pancreatic cancer..before our eyes...


Heaven; Today leaving kendalls home after watching Harlee I traveled back slowly to my mom's...I saw a couple..the young man headed to a spot in his yard with baby and blanket in his arms...his wife behind with a toddler...the blanket went down and they pounced on it..half shade half sun..perfect... then a block later 2 lil girls building a tent in there yard..and down from them 2 boys on bikes......and a lemonade stand...I smiled...at the very same time my heart learched....life goes on...I thought of my mom...and I realized I never liked how people depicted heaven...I don't like golden streets or big building of gold...I don't feel it fits...I don't want just gardens and streams and moutains...for that feels to lonely ...and then I grinned...we are created in god's image...then why not is this world created in the image of our home before? I saw Mayberry, but in its perfection and the possibility that in mayberry mom wouldn't have weeds in her garden anymore....and somehow for the first time....that thot seemed to resonate truth...if he created us, if home is were we go...then home..must be a lot like home here........
I love you Mom!!!!