Does breast cancer come in Dashes...kinda like a sprinkle of it? It does. I decided to finally share...because, well I have learned so much! I new there were many different types of Breast Cancer...however I thought..you either do or don't! This is not true.
My lil side journey here started in September. Some Breast cancer is highly curable..mortality rates of 95% plus...but it is still cancerous...it still IS! and therefore you get to walk through the phone call's off..we need to do a diagnostic mammogram...and then...hummm and we see something we need to look closer at. Then because I am new in this area I live in..we wait..for the old records and mammograms to get to the right hands. Then there is the phone call, "we need to do a biopsy"...and even tho everything in me knows..I will be fine..I get to walk a walk I never new...and its is humbling...I get to be..."one of those women" the ones fighting breast cancer. I get to walk the hallways, and talk to doctors and surgeons...and I get to have a biopsy.
A biopsy is Something I never thought I would have...because, well, breast cancer doesn't run in my family. For me the biopsy was much better then I thought it may be...the kindness and gentleness of everyone working in this area...truly floors me.
And then I am told...we have to go back in... so in a nutshell I have cancer cell's that are contained. I had no clue, that even in a biopsy there are degree's and stages!!! and there are! and then again with every different cancer..it is different.
So On my biopsy scale and it has 5 different stages....I am a 3. what this means is....I have cancer cells that unlike me...are not thinking outside there box's yet...they have no clue how much havoc they can create yet! (and I am very happy they don't know!! )So I am having surgery or a lumpectomy to get these cells. These cells then will be biopsied to make sure they are not reaching yet...reaching cells are cells that are starting to realize they are in a box and can get OUT! If by chance these cells are reaching, that then is stage 4 in this biopsy..and they will treat it like stage 5...and stage 5 is invasive breast cancer....It is the lowest form of breast cancer...yet, there are still procedures...there are still marks and incisions and battle scars...If the cells are reaching or stage 4... it will mean radiation...just like invasive breast cancer. These are things I was just not aware off...
As I go to all my appointments..I wear this...
A gift from Vicky Westra and her family!
Everyone notice's it. The surgeon said, "I saw that under your gown...
she looks closer... I tell her about Vicky... she then reaches to truly look again!
I notice that all my sense's are in high gear, the way my foot steps sound in
the hospital corridor. the swish of the elevator and how sterile it is. A younger women
crying, her fear of her biopsy so real...facial expression's, act's of kindness
everywhere..and God moment's..
when I heard something I needed to hear..
For me... walking this on my own...(no spouse)
it's the scars..not having felt love in so long...
It's the nurturing of the physical me..
I have always viewed myself a little less then..due to my father,
so I have insecurities in the physical... it's
worrying about how the breast will look after all this...
It may seem silly, I always had issues with 'the girls'
I never wanted to be busty!
but now..I Like them, I want them to be ok!
It' sheer Vulnerability
And so as I walk this lil side journey, along with the other journey
I am on...I mourned many things the other night...
and in the mourning..I choose to dress up and see me..right now...
today as I am!
I choose to embrace me...because sometimes...I am
as fragile as the most delicate glass...
Yet I am one tough cookie...because life has been that 'Big' that
full of learning for me...
..I can say I am blessed and I am humbled..for this little side journey has taught me more and given me more..then it can ever take away from me...!!! and I am so Proud to know
a bit of what it's like..to be 'one of those women'
because personally speaking..they are the BEST!
instead of focusing on scars and battle wounds...I am embracing the journey...because I know..all shall be well! ( thank you my beautiful Vicky you have taught me with your Grace)
This picture of Vicky's son's
stay out were everyone can see...
so that every moment I am aware and
and pray for that miracle..and gift of time
for Vicky and her family!
Next Wednesday I go in for the lumpectomy and...we shall see
what those cells are up too...
my greatest fear? my Achilles heal,.... is anesthesia
so now you know a little of my fear! :)
And by the way
Your more then welcome to come along and dance