Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than
happiness ever can; and common sufferings are
far stronger links than common joy's.
~Alphonse de Lamartine~
Our middle daughter is on the left...and her beautiful priceless
friend is on the right...
if you look close in this picture...you can see
that behind the smile of her beautiful friend...
is heartache and pain in her eyes...
This daughter got married right out of high school,
her man was being deployed to the Air force base in England.
Far from home, all young couples on base seem to bond.
and my daughter and her friend...and there husbands
did just that. So when my grandson was born (on the left) in England.
pictures came along with Raegan (on the right) her daughter.
They went place's together, the zoo, the beach, the pumpkin patch...
and there last trip was Germany early summer 2011.
My daughter and her husband were being sent to Alaska.
My daughter between her son and Raegan
these two little ones are 6 months apart in age.
This is one of my favorite pictures of
Raegan with her mom, taken on the fourth of July 2011...
a beautiful healthy 2 1/2 year old baby girl...enjoying all
that is new in her world...
but a month later there world would be turned upside down...
This is by far one of my favorite pic's of these two wonderful little one's...
and I believe it was right here, on this playground...
that in August 2011 Raegan fell...
when she got up, she couldn't walk right...
So they brought her to the emergency room...
and from there things went in rapid fire motion...
the kind that leaves one breathless, in shock and denial
a parents worse nightmare..with no time to digest any of it...
Raegan had a brain tumor, a very aggressive one,
and it was cancerous.
My daughter called me to tell me...
what was going on. She was in shock and tears. And
she was now stationed in Alaska.
The tumor was the size of a adult fist!
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Raegan was rushed to a hospital and they had surgery to remove this tumor.
But they new she needed more...
so this small family, this young mom and dad
with there one and only child
were sent state side to St Jude's...
The tumor had already grown back..I think there was now two of them
like the size of Golf balls.
They say when cancer enters your life...
its there to stay. I don't think any words have been truer.
My mom was diagnosed June 2011 and now
this sweet baby girl was in the fight of a lifetime.
I feel thing's in a way I can't explain to people...
it's very real, and grows stronger as I get older.
those very close to me, know of this gift...
that sometimes feels like a curse...
I cant pick or choose what I feel or why...
I don't have to be close to someone...to feel them.
But when I do...it's always very accurate...
sometimes I can't pin point the 'problem'
it's just a huge awareness that something is 'off'
It seems to be very strong in mental and physical well being.
so from the moment I heard about Raegan, this gift/curse
was at play...Feelings so strong they took my breath away
and I bonded, even tho I had not met this little family.
My daughter asked me in August, "mom what is your vibe on Raegan?"
i didn't answer her...because I didn't know how.
My mind, was in a turmoil. My mom had been given 3-9 months...
and yet i new she had more time!
how could I know she had more time...
when I also new, this precious, beautiful baby girl
was running out off time...
that didn't seem just or fair!
'Without faith, we are as stained-glass windows in the dark'
~anonymous~
I have faith, and I hope and pray when I feel thing's that go against
what I want them to be... I pray even more, I want to be wrong
in every way possible...
But sometimes I wonder, if in the knowing...I can create a safety net of sort's
for those involved/ my daughter...
My daughter kept asking what my 'vibe' was...
finally I said this to her, " I feel she is not going to make it,
that is why I haven't answered, and i pray I am wrong...
so be there in every way possible for her mom/parents "
Because I 'feel' the way I do...there was not a day that went
by I didn't pray or think of this beautiful little girl and her parent's
grandparent's, all her family, and those that loved her.
I feel, the worry, the stress, the pain...as if it were me...
In some way's I am surprised I am posting this...because this part of
me I share with very few people.
It doesn't make my life easier...
because I can be happy and just going along..
and then I will "feel someone"...
and yet this is "Who I am" who I have always been...
how can I deny what the good Lord created me to be?
Raegan's mom kept a carrying bridge page.
she updated everything that was going on at St. Jude's
the treatment's...the realities...
the good day's and bad day's
and at her young age...she did it with such honesty,
such reality..and with
such Faith!
(Allot like Vicky Westra who has a blog Westra World. She is fighting
stage 4 breast cancer... with the reality and faith and hopes and pains
of her journey..."All shall be well"
you can visit Vicky's blog by following this link
I was pulled to this young woman,
her strength during what is a parents worse
nightmare...I grew to admire her,
respect her, and be a utter Fan!
Raegan celebrated her 3rd birthday in January 2012.
She was undergoing radiation and had been for several months
In February 2012 they were looking forward
to taking her home, to have that down time...
and they did. Then they went back in March for a scan to see
how the radiation had done...
And instead of everything they had hopped for and prayed for...
They were told, the tumors were now up and down her spine...in her
Brain stem...they were everywhere...
there was nothing more they could do...
they gave Raegan 3 weeks to 3 months.
Once again my daughter called in tears.
She booked a flight..she had to see Raegan.
She wanted to make her a quilt...a quilt with pictures
of her and her parents...
a happy quilt in all the happy color's.
I was visiting my husband at this time in Port Angeles WA.
and this daughter was in Seattle WA.
I told her I would sew the top of the quilt together.
Then she could stitch on all the fabric piece's with picture's and do what she
had pictured in her mind.
( The man who put all the pictures on the fabric, had tears
running down his face when i picked them up...A parent himself
and a grandparent...he was touched, knowing why this quilt was
being made and seeing each picture as he put them on the fabric)
I have never forgotten that day of sewing...
I was in a 5th wheal camper...I was upset, I was pacing,
I text my daughter that I felt her flight was to far out...
that she may not make it in time to see Raegan..then as I am making
the top of this quilt..I am overwhelmed by the 'knowing' we are
running out of time. When I am working on a gift for someone...
I think about them...that is why I have so much joy in the homemade gift's
I make.
My poor husband had to listen to me..mumble...we are to late.
we are running out of time... He tolerates this side of me quiet well
half the time...other times it gets to him, he doesn't know what to think...
this was one of the times he did very well.
Because I kept telling him over and over
all day..we are to late, we are running out of time,
she is going very soon...
Again I text my daughter what I felt..and be there for her dear friends.
I got the top done, we were going to deliver it the next day.
My heart was heavy, I was sad, and prayed and prayed...
feeling all that I felt and hurting for all who loved this beautiful
beautiful lil baby girl...the urgency in me didn't go away.
The next day we are two blocks from my daughters apartment
when I get a Tex from my daughter...it was a forward from Raegan's
mom and My daughter wrote: why would she tease like this, it's not funny,
the Tex said something like this , "Raegan went to meet Jesus and got her wings"
I rapidly sent back a Tex..." Because Raegan is gone..it's a reality a truth".
At this point we are pulling into a parking spot..I jump out of the truck and run
to my daughters apartment door...she opens it and falls into my arm's
in utter grief and tear's...and then into her Dad's arm's.
The timing could not have been more perfect. For us to be there for our daughter.
This was my first experience of knowing someone who was loosing a child
and I was 48 years old. My daughter, Raegan's parents being in there early 20's!
You see My daughter was in denial there for a few minutes...
Raegan was given 3 weeks to 3 months...
Raegan only had 6 days!!!
But had I not text her the day before..had I not 'felt' Raegan
leaving us...how much worse would it of been for her ???
The picture above is poignant in every way...
for it is the day, she was taken home.
My daughter still made her trip, but this blanket was now a gift to
Raegan's parents...
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She and Raegan's mom also got matching tattoo's.
I think a tattoo like this is priceless..it says sometimes
what the heart can't put into words.
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My daughter still made her trip, but this blanket was now a gift to
Raegan's parents...
She and Raegan's mom also got matching tattoo's.
I think a tattoo like this is priceless..it says sometimes
what the heart can't put into words.
I think of Raegan often and her family...
below is a link to the tribute to Reagan's short life...
the music they picked, there faith, moving me to tears every time I watch it.
but I want you to know this beautiful lil girl, her parent's,
for I know without a doubt...the lord new what no one else could know
there is a bigger reason for Raegan...one that has yet to come full circle
but will be the lifetime of her parent's and all who new her...
and after you visit this link...
that is when Love, Faith, Prayers and a touch of pixie dust...
becomes a beautiful journey...
For the next year, the first year after Raegan is gone...
I sent things for all the Holiday's..I was attached, bonded
to this lil family in a way I can't explain...
For there First Christmas without Rae I made this wall banner...
and Yes, I used my favorite vintage card/ angel! When I saw this
Angel I new..she didn't belong to me...
For there First Christmas without Rae I made this wall banner...
and Yes, I used my favorite vintage card/ angel! When I saw this
Angel I new..she didn't belong to me...
Something like this can tear couples apart...
they were wiser, the went to a group for parents
who have lost a child...
they understood even though the each grieved different
and at times this caused pain...
that there was one other person who new there grief...
OH yes, there were grandparents, siblings and cousin's friends and
so many people grieving with them...
but there was only one other person who NEW there grief at the same
level.
that was each other..for they and they alone
were Raegan's Parent's.
In 2013 they decided to have another child. I think this is perfectly
normal...when you loose a child... your arms become very empty...
you want those arms full again...
one child can never replace another...and I am sure they
had to work through many fears...like what if this was to happen again?
and realizing that if they have another one...as this baby grows...
all the first will remind them of there beautiful Raegan...
But, they have learned that there grief, there Raegan is now a part of
who they will always be...that this will never go away
and have learned to grow strong and live and cry and laugh
and incorporate this pain and loss into there very being's of
who they are!
But this journey of having another child...it should be easy...
They were High School sweetheart's and Raegan came into there lives
easily enough...
But months passed... and it just wasn't happening.
They also believed in God's timing...
But still nothing...what was up?
December 2013 saw them at a fertility specialist... this is a picture of the
Christmas tree in that office...boy did this make me grin!
It was here that they found out...just what a miracle there little Raegan was!
because the odds of them getting pregnant were NOT there!
I know they came to that conclusion in there journey of grief...
that Raegan was a special soul..only gifted to them for a short time.
I felt very strongly that she was there's for them...
that God wants these two beautiful young people to be
together...
From a book on grief, " If God had come to you 3 years ago and said, :
"I'll make you a bargain.
I'll give you a beautiful wonderful, happy, healthy child for 3 years, and then
I'll take her home"...you would have made the deal in a second." That was the deal...
no one new the terms!
(In this book it was the father of a 17 yr old ~Michael Gartner)
My daughter called me to tell me, they did in vetro fertilization but no one was
suppose to know yet, but she was allowed to tell me. ( I am sure close family and friends new)
They also at this time had a chance to adopt..and decided to pursue both!
Then came the phone call from my daughter that through us once again
into a tail spin...the embryo was not viable..she was going to loss
the baby! And this is very expensive so this was there only chance.
My heart ached for them!
then I asked, did she miss carry yet? "No not yet", came my daughter's reply.
I said then Pray..but pray like you never have before...
he can still work a miracle for them.
I told my daughter that I had learned from a friend to pray more in a visual way
in some ways this visual way brings great peace to me..when I pray this way...
but it also takes great concentration and therefor makes the prayer
truly come from the depths of your being...
that when she prayed to picture a bright light...surrounding her friend...starting from
her friends heart...through her belly and all around her...a protective white light.
the light of our heavenly father...
I told my daughter to do it at least twice a day and I would do it as well...
of course there were many praying for them!
for they have a huge fan club...
several weeks went by...I had thought about asking my daughter how thing's
were going...but
we have been busy moving and doing...
and then I said to my husband..I wander what happened.
just then a text came from my daughter...
"She is pregnant, there is a heartbeat..there is not explanation why"
Is there anything more beautiful? any miracle more wonderful?
for that is Love, Faith, Prayers and a touch of pixie dust!
I share this story and them! because there is a reason for all they have gone through!
one that time and years will tell!
they are a wonderful young couple...God loves
them more!!!
Due to them being pregnant, they found out they could not adopt...
they tried everything...but they need to do a in home study..and because there is a child
on the way...they can't be studied in time to know how they would do
with a child already in there home...
Yet, Raegan's dad always new he could adopt..and Raegan's mom also knows this
soooo.... I believe there is one out there...just for them.
I believe any child that comes into there home...
will know more about love, life, reality, loss and heartache then most...
for they will always have a big sister named Raegan...they will
always have parents that share who she was with them..that miss her
and grieve her...and yet! are stuck like glue...
through this beautiful, painful journey we call life!
As you can see...the baby is Due this Dec 2014!
and...
They are having a boy!!!
Raegan's little brother!
I share them, because I am amazed by there journey,
there spirit, there courage, there love, laughter and joy
there ability to embrace there grief and feel it...
and becoming now who they are..incorporating the
greatest loss in there lives as a part of them!
I share...
To give other's hope...I never new, until Rae how prominent childhood cancer
is...I have been humbled by the parents who have gone through this...
because it is a parents worse fear! and a grandparents worse fear...
I also will be meeting this beautiful young lady soon...
as she is coming to visit!
and I am so honored I have gotten to know them through my daughter...
and I can't wait to meet this strong young lady...
made stronger because of pain...
made stronger because of faith...
made stronger because she loves that much!
I will update on them and there painful/beautiful journey!
For a update. Please go to the link below :)
Update on: The greatest Heartache, love, faith. prayers and a touch of Pixie dust...
For a update. Please go to the link below :)
Update on: The greatest Heartache, love, faith. prayers and a touch of Pixie dust...
