Silent night....
The night is still...peaceful and perfect. Its cooled off so much compared to the heat of the summer day. I pull on my mom's deep burgundy Hoody, She got it last fall as she went on her trip to see one son, in Texas and his family. Then on to the coast in California to see another son, And finally in Oregon were she saw another son and his Bride. Was that only Last November ?
I step into the night air on the back deck... cup... of coffee in hand. it's 3:a.m. and sleeping beauty is finally at rest. Earlier in the day, going to the commode became to much for her. Hospice came over and put her on a catheter, she warned us the time was growing close. Somehow that catheter came out. hospice came again, and redid the catheter. Moms cousin went to get a full nights sleep. My sister was also going to sleep soon. I had the first shift of the night shift.
We heard a cry out, and rush to our mom's bedroom... My sister and I followed by her cousin who also jumped out of bed. Her bed was empty!!! Shock cannot accurately describe the moment. My sister and Mom's cousin turn..automatically to check the bathroom. It is then that I see her..3 feet away from the hospital bed..in the corner. Trying to get to the commode. She has no memory of how she got there... Hospice comes again. catheter not working for her...we decide against it. as hospice leaves... she once again warns us...the time is growing close. We give her a pill for anxiety. everyone goes to bed...and I sit and wait.
The restlessness and sudden movements. are due to the nervous system beginning to shut down, due to lack of oxygen.The cloudy Urine is due to the kidneys shouting down due to lack of oxygen. The shaking, the parts of her that are so warm and kinda clammy, the skin on her face going to a whitish sheen..all signs the end is closing in.
The night air feels good...awakening me. I take two gulps of coffee and go back to her bedside. She is still now. the ceiling fan gives of a steady hummm and I put her hand in mine. I study her features her face and find her still beautiful...thin and gaunt due to the cancer, but no wrinkles and no blemishes...still young... I trace my other hand up her arm and I start humming.. I hum every church hymn I can remember and that leads me to humming all the Christmas songs... One after another I hum. I hold sleeping beauties hand, soak her in and hum.
A peacefulness like a soft blanket cloaks the room. I hum the tune to silent night;
Silent night! Holy night! All is calm all is bright Round yon virgin mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace! sleep in heavenly peace.........................
I step into the night air on the back deck... cup... of coffee in hand. it's 3:a.m. and sleeping beauty is finally at rest. Earlier in the day, going to the commode became to much for her. Hospice came over and put her on a catheter, she warned us the time was growing close. Somehow that catheter came out. hospice came again, and redid the catheter. Moms cousin went to get a full nights sleep. My sister was also going to sleep soon. I had the first shift of the night shift.
The restlessness and sudden movements. are due to the nervous system beginning to shut down, due to lack of oxygen.The cloudy Urine is due to the kidneys shouting down due to lack of oxygen. The shaking, the parts of her that are so warm and kinda clammy, the skin on her face going to a whitish sheen..all signs the end is closing in.
The night air feels good...awakening me. I take two gulps of coffee and go back to her bedside. She is still now. the ceiling fan gives of a steady hummm and I put her hand in mine. I study her features her face and find her still beautiful...thin and gaunt due to the cancer, but no wrinkles and no blemishes...still young... I trace my other hand up her arm and I start humming.. I hum every church hymn I can remember and that leads me to humming all the Christmas songs... One after another I hum. I hold sleeping beauties hand, soak her in and hum.
A peacefulness like a soft blanket cloaks the room. I hum the tune to silent night;
Silent night! Holy night! All is calm all is bright Round yon virgin mother and child Holy infant so tender and mild Sleep in heavenly peace! sleep in heavenly peace.........................
I glance at the clock..it's 5:a.m and I wake my sister for her turn. I climb into bed.... praying sleeping beauty sleeps..until awakened by the purest form of love there is... Our Heavenly Fathers.... I close my eye's with thousands of emotions running through my mind...and in exhaustion...I sleep...last night..we had Christmas in July...
( I wrote this on my FB page. so Many family members and friends were checking in
daily. But what I didn't say ..was as I started humming Silent night...the tears
came pouring down...you see it was the first Christmas song I hummed...
I had run our of hymns... and in that moment... Christmas had come!
the other part no one new..accept my husband and 2 precious Girl friends
By the end of February 2013... I couldn't see my Mom
past Christmas...it was a strong feeling. It made me pace..i shared this
with my husband and 2 Friends...and then I told my Husband
I need to go..it was the first of April 2013
My Mom 'Picked' me up at the airport...
a one way ticket...
I just somehow new...no that's not it...
It was that still small voice..
a few days later the decline started happening...
and so as I hummed...my mental state a few notches behind,
all the events and happening's in these last
few months of my mothers life.
In the moment I hummed silent night...I realized the gift
of having followed that still small voice.
I was the lucky one...once again. I got to be there for her last
Birthday and her last mothers day...and yet
the tears came...because of utter humility
the tears came because...simply stated
Christmas had come...
much earlier then anyone wants...
But Christmas came.....
in those tears were utter heartache and love!
I miss you Mom, and love you More!
sharing our last Christmas together
Oh my sweet friend, Peggy Sue,
ReplyDeleteThere are no words except thank you. Thank you for sharing these intimate moments
of being there for your Mom's journey home. It is such an honor, and so, so hard, to be a witness to the depth of that journey. So intimate and amazing to be part of the last weeks and days and hours and minutes of your Mom's life.
How precious and humbling and perfect for her to have you there with her...she who brought you into the world. You are her witness to the story of her leaving it.
You are the one blessed to hold your Momma's hand, sing her songs, and whisper sweet words of encouragement to her spirit. Yes, all is calm, all is bright.
Thank you for sharing this my sweet friend, dear Peggy Sue. What a treasure you are!
What a huge heart you have for others!
May the God of Love, who created the Universe, be real to you today. May you know His presence, peace and love for you!
Hugs, loves and prayers...always prayers!
Your friend Linda
I simply can't say it any better than Linda has. Oh how you touched me! My own mother's health, both fragile right now, and yet her spirit still so strong. But time? We don't know- the doctors don't know. So I am taking the time just be with her. To bring her things, and take her places and let her be with the boys. And I see how lovingly, how graciously, you did this with your mom, and it encourages me to do the same. Beautifully done- and beautifully written! Thank you for sharing your heart Peggy Sue!
ReplyDeleteI am a bit out of words at the moment..but I want both of you to know..how very much your remarks and comments mean to me...you both truly have no Idea the gift you both are to me...its priceless and I cherish it very much. THANK YOU!
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